Save Your Marriage, Even If Only You Want To - Latest Comments

Re: Why These Approaches Are Dangerous (2 to avoid)

The Walking Cuban — Fri, 24 Jul 2020 10:10:58 -0000

I love what you've set out to do, Lee, and I love you for it. I want to save my marriage, and I know if God can raise Christ from the dead then my marriage is as good as saved, but I must do my part!

Re: Frustrated and Ready To Give Up? Don’t!: #25, Save The Marriage Podcast

Leila — Mon, 02 Mar 2020 12:07:26 -0000

Thank you Dr. Baucom, I needed to hear this today. I had not written down my plan and did so upon hearing this podcast today. I will remind myself to "consult your plan, not your feelings." I have re-examined my own communication attempts with my husband and need to approach him more often to check in with each other about where we are and where we are going. It's tough to always be the one to make the bids for communication and connection. But I realize this is where we are currently and I have no choice but to be the one right now who is offering the opportunity for open and honest communication between the two of us.
This was the reinforcement I needed today to stay the course - and continue to be consistent with moving forward.

Re: Is It Quitting Time? Resources to Help…

Mara Hamme — Wed, 15 Jan 2020 15:49:51 -0000

Thank you for the inspiration on this blog. You are showing that a marriage can be saved and to not give up.

Re: What About Trust?: Restoring And Rebuilding — #27

macspoc — Fri, 18 Oct 2019 14:16:21 -0000

My husband had a physical affair about 1.5-2 years ago, which he ended without me even knowing about it. I discovered only recently (July) when digging through his facebook messages. I did that thing because I caught him chating with a girl in a manner that for me was an emotional affair. We have discussed many problems that affects our marriage (we've been married for 15 years) and resolved some of them. But I cannot trust him anymore and been living with fear since then. Recently he log off his facebook, so I cannot access it anymore. I know it's not okay to play the private investigator with him. When I bring up this issue he gets mad and says that we have discussed all of this so many times that he does not want to hear about it anymore. But I can go on like this anymore and locking his facebook does not help me in trusting him. Any advice what should I do or don't? I am afraid that if I confront him with this locking facebook issues I just push him further away from me.

Re: Is It Too Late To Save Your Marriage? How To Know: #31 Save Your Marriage Podcast

Sherri Andersen — Mon, 01 Jul 2019 14:44:08 -0000

I am thankful that I listened to your podcast. My husband is in the throes of a midlife crisis. After much verbal abuse and threats that he was going to move out and leave me with my mother in law, who lives with us,(my husband and her have many issues), I decided to move out. I question that decision every day. I know I couldn't mentally take the lying, cheating and mood swings. I tried encouragement, backing away and nothing works. I realize now, he has to go through this and has for as much as he doesn't talk and goes dark,with no contact, I know I love him and want my marriage. He insists he never loved me and wants a divorce. We have been married almost 36 years. I realize now, that he did love me. I am to blame for his unhappiness. I know I didn't break him so I cannot fix him. It has been almost a year and he has not filed. I am wondering how a midlife crisis changes the save your marriage only if 1 person wants too. I cannot implement anything because he refuses to speak to me. I waver between is it a midlife crisis or is he just done. Feeling lost but want my marriage. I concede it will be a new marriage as the old one is gone. Always room for improvement. What do I do? We are way past the doing things together as he won't see me or talk to me. I am trying to give him the space he wants. In my opinion out of sight out of mind just causes distance and the chance to accept it. Is that my own personal fear or logical?? Looking for answers and a chance.

Re: Why “Space” Is Hard

Ruby — Tue, 05 Mar 2019 02:01:37 -0000

Hi Mr B - this podcast (like all your others) was an eye opener - I’m sorry I didn’t know of this 2yrs ago when my spouse said he wanted to move out. I think at the time tho he was far gone emotionally and I think he was using it as a process to get us and our families used to what what he was going to do ie initiate divorce.

He did say he wanted to move out to see if he would ‘miss us and our family unit’ but I knew it wouldn’t happen - as you said absence doesn’t make a distant or hurt heart miss you it just give them relief when they leave. I kept on saying to him you will never miss me if you don’t care or love me anymore that’s obvious?

I wanted you to perhaps consider a topic which I see you mentioned and which I never got - it’s what he always said - ‘he tried’: to me him trying was to tell me 5yrs ago he’s unhappy and while he’s still invested let’s get some help or books or coaching or therapy. Not tell me he’s unhappy but already moved on wout me knowing. So what does ‘Tried’ in their mind mean and why don’t we accept that they did? Because we think trying has a different meaning to us?

I just feel we as the dumped can’t get this. When I kept saying you don’t understand where I’m coming from he would say I don’t get it. The funny part is I would genuinely want to get where he is coming from. He’d say ‘oh I can’t explain coz you just won’t get it?’

And it would drive me up the wall with anger because equally so he wasn’t bothered to find out or understand where I was coming from. Now he simply says plz let’s not talk of the past and agree that you won’t get me and I don’t get you. I don’t think he doesn’t get me I just feel he never bothered to attempt to get to know me or understand my experience because again those wanting to walk are never motivated to figure out their part - or worse they blame you for the way they acted.

The funny part is when he says I must forgive him for his ‘terrible acts’ which I later found out as well (lies he had been harboring all these years while I was living a lie), he won’t even get how destructive and damaging it was to him and to us and our kids.

He keeps saying I must see his actions in context in order to forgive him and he isn’t so bad - which to me I was clearly willing to do so if I was willing to work at it! To give him my trust? But the fact he couldn’t give me his means he wasn’t willing to afford me the same benefit of doubt I was willing to give him.

For me I still know we have to be apart but would like for us to resolve issues - even if just to not sweep stuff under the rug and to be good coparents.

He feels everytime I want to talk I am just controlling him or not accepting he wants to leave. He thinks me wanting him to talk is me wanting to convince him to take me back, when I just feel it’s so odd - with kids we forced to see each other and yet there’s this ‘thing of unresolved crap’ between us.

It’s weird - I feel he couldn’t let go of the past coz he didn’t want to discuss it - he feels I can’t. He feels him not wanting to discuss it is him wanting to let go and forget and get over his resentment for me.

So we both have different views who’s right? No one I guess - perhaps I feel talking of our issues and the past may lead to healing and clearing up misperceptions so we can understand how and why we did act the way we did to each other and what our triggers are, so we can both see each other in new light.

Maybe he feels talking just reminds him of his painful past and the ‘old me’ who is so clingy and needy and dependent on him for my happiness (when I’m not) and perhaps him having utter space will allow him to get over his resentment for me and see me in a new light? Who knows - perhaps he knows best wot works for him and I should respect that no matter how badly I want to talk about and ‘resolve stuff’. Maybe it’s me thinking if I want to talk it out I can let him go live freely so I can feel good about what I should have done.

So another topic perhaps for your Thrive Podcasts - what’s truly letting go? Is me fighting to resolve things meaning I can’t let go? Is letting go even just not having to get closure and be ok with not ‘discussing issues’ or is the person who can’t deal with stuff (ie just sweeps stuff under the rug) can’t let go? In other words it’s too painful for them to deal with it so letting go for them is to stop discussion and sweep under the rug?

Thanks!

Re: Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Believe You Will Change (And What To Do About It)

Ruby — Tue, 05 Mar 2019 01:33:44 -0000

Hi I know this is 4yrs later but it’s so funny when I read your comments and I felt it’s exactly what happened to me? You think you have managed to show them you will do great work together and use each other for insight on how to make your relationship better and learn more about eq, languages of love and attachment as well as your trigger points.

However as Mr B stated in his podcast as opposed to happiness and support and faith in you they give you anger and frustration as to why now? In another podcast Mr B made me feel just like how I feel - it’s not to say that we (as the dumped) don’t get it it’s simply at a certain stage we (or the other spouse will) finally get it and we don’t think we doing it just coz they leaving now. The problem is the dumper thinks that we only want to change now that they want to leave.

Sometimes it is too late - sometimes spouses who speak much earlier can get the work and do the work - sometimes it’s too late because they already started grieving and moving on wout telling you. So by time they tell you (the way your husband did), when you affirming them they feel happy you get them and understand just like your husband felt with you on that weekend - you felt you were on a different page thinking he’ll give you another chance - then on Sunday he tells you well I hope you know we still getting a divorce.

That’s exactly how I felt too. It’s been a long and hard and painful journey but you must realize it takes two. For so long I lived with so much guilt and blame especially for my two small kids. And also in that separation period I kept on trying to be the good one our families and me ensuring let me change let’s focus on my mistakes and wrongs and you know wot? It will never be good enough for them. Because they equally have to be willing to acknowledge and own their part too which he never did - and why would they? We all worried he’s moving out so how will he know Iv changed? He never gave me a chance? But truth is he needed to be willing to give me a chance to see if I could have changed. But for whatever reason they have written us off - they don’t believe in the fact we have the ability to respond and to their cries for frustration and help and support - that we are responsible and live up to our vow and commitment.

They couldn’t do so instead they lived quietly also acting one way with you but feeling differently: I have to own the fact I should have been way more intuitive and I wasn’t that’s my learning points but at same time he couldn’t expect me to be able to read his mind ;(

We still had kids and I still couldn’t get why he wouldn’t even want to try and rekindle for their sake and see what could come out of it? But I realize now I focused so much on my part that I started to own his role as well. I never focused on his role where he also hurt me and did bad things where I equally could also have dumped him. In the end when I raise it with him he feels it just proves we were wrong? As if to excuse his bad behavior coz I triggered it all and that when he finds the right spouse he’ll never do such things with her ?

It’s a hard and long journey but some people perhaps have to go see that not everyone is perfect and that personality issues can be worked on once you understand the reasons behind why people act the way they do - and as spouses we owe that to one another. We stopped getting to know one another I also fell into a trap of tolerance and acceptance coz I just loved him unconditionally. We both failed to put up our boundaries.

The problem is I still had hope and optimism that I can equally wipe slate clean and start afresh and see him for the man I fell in love with for those attributes he too had lost over the years but he didn’t want to do same for me: he broke my trust terribly but I apologized, figured what to apologize for and then tried to better and improve myself. And I was willing to give him my trust so that we could build it. But he remains stagnant and cannot offer me his trust back. So perhaps as I say some people need to go out looking and then only realize what good they lost and how hard it is to find loyal and devoted spouses.

And perhaps they will and perhaps they won’t - perhaps as sad as it is they will try harder in their next relationship having learned from their previous mistakes. But we can’t control them or force them to want us. They need to want to try knowing they will put 100% in it and when they walking even doing ‘therapy’ will never work coz you will never be getting their 100% effort the way I was giving it.

I look forward to hearing from you and what has happened so many years later - I hope you are in a better space - be good to yourself always!

Re: When Is It Time To Separate?

Kelly — Wed, 13 Feb 2019 21:33:53 -0000

I think separations are a terrible idea. My husband and I were going through a difficult time in our marriage when he left his family. He said I needed “space” to heal. Well in that time he lived in his mother’s basement and lived the single life. Drinking, partying, avoiding his parental duties and having an affair. Meanwhile I was devastated and was working on myself and our marriage. Bad idea. Just gives them an opportunity to see what it would be like to be single

Re: Is It Too Late To Save Your Marriage? How To Know: #31 Save Your Marriage Podcast

Rosie Koi — Sat, 22 Dec 2018 11:48:59 -0000

Thank you so much for replying so quickly! It had stopped for several years but is back in the last few months. The difference is I am older and have had a lot of therapy in the intervening years and am less able to pretend it isn't happening.

Re: Is It Too Late To Save Your Marriage? How To Know: #31 Save Your Marriage Podcast

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. — Sat, 22 Dec 2018 11:20:19 -0000

Yes, that does qualify as abuse. The physical pain of abuse is one thing. But the deeper roots of abuse is in intimidation and domination. Even if there is no real physical injury, there is significant emotional injury. When you feel that you do not have a voice, cannot be an equal, and perhaps that you provoked, you are on uneven footing. More than that, the abuser has demonstrated an unwillingness to be partners. It may not have escalated up to now, but the real and perceived threat that it might is still there.

Re: Is It Too Late To Save Your Marriage? How To Know: #31 Save Your Marriage Podcast

Rosie Koi — Sat, 22 Dec 2018 11:08:52 -0000

I need help. Does grabbing and physical intimidation count as physical abuse? It is scary but hasn't escalated.

Re: 5 Communication Mistakes You May Be Making: #52 Save Your Marriage Podcast

LookingforLove2 — Thu, 13 Dec 2018 14:29:57 -0000

Thank you Dr. Baucom. I communicate my needs and wants, but I get nowhere with my spouse. She immediately goes into a blame/anger mode to put me on defense as a manipulation tactic from a narcissist. She won't go to counseling or work with me in your program. We cant communicate effectively to resolve any issues on our own. I know I'm not a perfect communicator (especially now that I'm very frustrated). Resentment has set in and, if we can't improve our relationship together soon, I'm ready to end it. We've only been married for a few years and we've never been at a good spot since marriage. I love her, but I don't know what else I can do.

Re: What Are You Controlling?

Patty — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 08:40:59 -0000

This is my issue as well. My husband is bi-polar. Won't take medication!

Re: Chasing Is Killing Your Chances

Glen — Sat, 13 Oct 2018 09:57:27 -0000

This is my marriage to a T.
I am the one afraid of being abandoned and chasing. I push my wife away then pull her in and she's finally fed up after 23 years. She has filed and we both have attorneys and I am truly devistated. I am seeing a therapist and addressing my issue but at a loss on what to do. I love my wife and want to save my marriage. I truly do love her. If only I didn't have blinders on and didn't struggle with giving her space. Now with divorce looming, I'm panicked.

Re: Marriage and The Goldilocks Principle

Jose — Thu, 21 Jun 2018 09:47:49 -0000

Great information! Very well described and many things make sense now! Thanks for the advice looking forward to hearing more podcasts.

Re: Chronic, Crisis, Flashpoint, Tipping Point – What Happened??

Chris Johnston — Thu, 24 May 2018 19:19:54 -0000

Thank you. This couldn't have come at a more perfect time.

Re: When Your Spouse Wants To TALK

Sandra Jaffe — Tue, 22 May 2018 06:48:23 -0000

My husband obviously wants to stay married indicated by his actions and comments about our future, but is unwilling to talk about affair, assure me that is it over and gives me no indication that he wants to work on reestablishing trust. He just wants to go on as if nothing has happened. I don't want to have the relationship talk, but it seems these issues are critical to us moving forward.

Re: What About Trust?: Restoring And Rebuilding — #27

Gabriel Montanez — Fri, 13 Apr 2018 10:45:22 -0000

Very insightful, I'm in the middle of regaining my spouse's trust now. I've totally forgiven her for her shortcomings, and am struggling to get her to do the same for mine. Although, w/out therapy its taken me ~14-15 yrs to come to a realization for me, I'm not expecting an overnight on her part. This podcast gave me clearly, a better understanding of our styles and thus another area of work with my therapist. Truly appreciated! Reflecting through our conversations, while listening to the podcast, I realize where this knowledge would have been very useful and affective. Thanks for sharing, #NOTGivingUp

Re: Marriage In Trouble: What To Do About Valentine’s Day!

Beth — Wed, 04 Apr 2018 17:16:02 -0000

Thank you.

Re: Secret Marriage Report

Ella Gray — Sun, 11 Feb 2018 20:55:29 -0000

This is a blessing

Re: “Is It All About Being The ‘Nice Guy/Gal’?” – NOPE

Ben Brown — Thu, 25 Jan 2018 10:20:29 -0000

Thanks so much Lee. Love your program and working it now.

Re: The 10 Rules For Saving Your Marriage

LookingforLove2 — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 14:28:19 -0000

Hello Lee, My wife of 2 years didn't marry me for Love (found out after marriage). She still doesn't have love for me and the hurt of bickering, criticism, and not feeling loved has put us near the end of our marriage. I feel like I'm the only one who is trying to have a relationship. I'm getting worn out trying for over 2 years. We're both in our 50's and in our 2nd marriage. She has many issues from her first marriage and prior that need to be addressed, but she won't address them due to anger and control (power feeling by holding on and not forgiving herself and her X). She has a lot of narcissistic traits I now realize. I love her very much but that is faltering also. We can't communicate about important relationship issues because they lead to arguments and anger since I feel she doesn't want to be accountable for her actions and move forward. Any suggestions on what I should do? I feel like giving up.

Re: Apathy. . .

Karen Parodi — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 13:54:17 -0000

Return to angry from apathy? or how to resolve it.
In another post you talked about how to return to previous stages, by changing from disaster to crisis, turning apathy into anger. But here you said that is not right to return to anger because only gives more reasons to end the relationship. So I was wondering which one should be our focus? How do we resolve the fundamental issues, now that we are in the apathy/disaster stage? I don't have a clear plan to follow.

Re: How Fear Is Destroying Your Efforts and 4 Ways To Reverse It: Save The Marriage Podcast

Billie Crawford — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 13:30:13 -0000

This is the most eye opening pod cast I have ever heard. Thank you for getting me to finally understand where we are & how we got to this point. I believe this is a turning point in our journey to Save our Marriage & get us back to the wonderful loving place we once were, where we both felt safe & secure & free to completely open up & trust each other.

Re: The Compatibility Myth

ginac — Thu, 08 Jun 2017 11:47:50 -0000

What an insightful podcast. I wish my husband could listen to this. Three weeks ago he told me he's feeling different about us. He still loves me and cares for me, but he's not "in love" with me. Part of his concern with our relationship is he feels we have nothing in common - he's right. We have different interests. I never saw it as a bad thing. He's using it as one of his reasons to reconsider our situation. We've been together for almost 20 years (married 10). I know now after listening to your podcasts and reading the material we've lost our connection. I'm trying to work on that now and it's so hard. I'm navigating through dark waters here with no light and it seems so hopeless at times. He says he wants/needs to work on this as well, but I know I'm going to be doing a lot of the work. A lot of your podcasts make so much sense, I just wish he could listen to these, but that would be me trying to change him and not myself.